


The Regret You Live With

by Sachi_Grace



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Depression, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:29:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26655196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sachi_Grace/pseuds/Sachi_Grace
Summary: Even though Danganronpa was nothing more than a simulation, Kaede still has to live with the fact that she was indeed capable of murder and that she may never play the piano again without hearing her death song in the back of her mind.Thankfully, Shuichi understands a little as to what she's going through. It may not be the same darkness, but it has the same monster.
Relationships: Akamatsu Kaede/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	The Regret You Live With

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ninaisthelina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ninaisthelina/gifts).



> This is dedicated to Ninaisthelina for the Saimatsu Christmas in July gift exchange. I do apologize that it was so late, but I'm happy to have been able to gift this to you. I hope this was what you were looking for. Please let me know if there's anything you wish I would do differently! 
> 
> Thank you all for your support.

Kaede sat at the piano in the hospital’s recreation room, her fingers hovered above the keys, but she didn’t have the heart or will to press down on them. She could still hear the song that had played during her execution, the rope tightening around her neck as she dangled and moved across the stage piano Monokuma had set up. Her windpipe was collapsing in on itself, her throat aching from the angle her neck was held at, so it wouldn’t snap. Her life was slowly being breathed out with every shallow gasp and swallow that she made. The song’s pace increased. It went faster and faster as she grew dizzy from being strangled. Her stomach twisted as she quietly replaced the lid of the keyboard and scooted herself away. Even with the keys out of sight, the song echoed through her mind hollowly. 

She had watched, in abject horror, when Shuichi revealed that she hadn’t been the murderer at all. Rantaro hadn’t spoken to her for days since the discovery. Neither of them knew what to do with that kind of information. Kaede had been so relieved to discover that she hadn’t been the murderer, but she was also terrified of herself and what she was capable of. 

Even if she didn’t want to be a murderer, she had been willing and fully invested in becoming one if it meant to stop a mastermind. She had nearly put Shuichi in the line of fire. She could have won the game right then and there if she just kept the pressure on him. Kaede’s eyes burned as she rested her elbows against her knees, placing her head in her hands. She could have been so much worse. Even though Kaede tried to stay optimistic for everyone involved, she sometimes couldn’t help but look at the past actions and survey them with the knowledge that she had just taken one more step if she had just...been a little less than the person that she was.

“Akamatsu-san?”

Kaede let out a soft noise of surprise as she looked up through her tears. Shuichi stood in front of the piano stool, his golden eyes quiet with concern. He wasn’t wearing his hat anymore, which thrilled Kaede to no end that she could make eye contact with him. He gestured wordlessly towards the piano bench, and she scooted to the side so that he could have some room. “Sorry,” Kaede heaved in a sob, choking it down. She ran her hands down her face, trying to wipe away the tears quickly. “I’m okay, Saihara-kun, don’t worry.”

“I don’t see you in the recreation room often,” Shuichi ventured. She could see the gears in his head turning, as though this was another case for him to solve. He was always trying to make sure no one had to suffer as much as they had during the game. While she was here, trying to find the courage to open the piano lid and play the music that she could feel in her fingertips, he threw himself into making sure Danganronpa  _ paid _ . He had seethed when he found out that they were all part of a simulation. 

Kaede envied him a little. She envied that he woke up and immediately thought of a way to dismantle Danganronpa once and for all. She envied that he went straight to Kokichi, who nearly took the game down single-handedly and got him as an ally. He went to Korekiyo and Rantaro, who had high connections and were well-versed in the game. She hadn’t known that Korekiyo had actively studied the Killing Game since before they had been a part of it. Himiko and Maki were also on his side. Himiko for support and Maki because despite not being an actual assassin, she knew a cult’s mind-set, and that was what Danganronpa and their fans were. Nothing more than a cult to be brought down.

Kaito still hadn’t woken up yet. Everyone had a silent fear that perhaps the simulation had been too much on his weak heart and lungs. No one knew that he had been terminally ill before the game even started. No one thought to do a thorough check when he admitted himself into the game. It was a lawsuit that was waiting to happen, and Shuichi was all over that too. 

What was she doing? What was she doing? “Akamatsu-san?”

“How do you do this, Saihara-kun?” Kaede finally relented, her breath shaking as she tried to get herself together. Her mind was spiraling, and she didn’t have a proper answer. “You were...like this with all that anxiety in the game. How did you do this?”

“I had you, and I had Momota-kun,” Shuichi said, looking at the piano lid and away from her. “When it became too much, I trained, or I listened to Clair de Lune, and I thought of what you guys kept telling me in the game.”

What could she have possibly said that would get him to fight against a game that had more power and connections than any of them could in years? “What did...what did we say?”

“You told us that you believed in us. Momota-kun would say to believe the impossible was possible; we just had to make it so.” Shuichi looked at her, his eyes boring right into hers. Kaede wanted to look away. “I couldn’t just toss that away when you said that that you wanted to end the killing game and keep us all as friends. Momota-kun was always looking for a silver lining too.”

She thought about lifting the piano cover, to press her fingers back to the keys. Clair de Lune. She hadn’t played that song in such a long time. Could her fingers still dance to the music? She looked at Shuichi and noticed that he had some dark circles under his eyes, as though he hadn’t slept in some time. She felt another wave of guilt crashing in her. How could she be so selfish in thinking about what happened in the game, when everyone else was suffering? When was Shuichi falling back on his insomniac tendencies? 

“Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing enough,” Shuichi said, taking Kaede off guard, turning his head away from her as though this confession was too much to bear. She hadn’t expected that. She watched him look at his knees. His fingers were intertwined loosely on his lap. He kept a pianist’s posture, a straight back, and his shoulders relaxed. She was sure that there was a part of him that wanted to curl away from this conversation. Shuichi glanced at her from the corner of his eye, “Then I see you struggling to play the piano, and I know that I have to keep trying.”

“Because I can’t play a note?” Oh, maybe that was a bit too bitter than lighthearted than she meant. 

“Because you’re just as hurt like the rest of us. We’re all traumatized in some way.” Shuichi bowed his head, “I just...I guess I…” He trailed off, trying to find the words. Kaede wished that she could pull them out for him, but she didn’t know what he’d say next. “I didn’t want you to know what this felt like.”

Kaede wanted to look away from him in shame. She needed to get her game back. Goddamn it. 

“I didn’t want any of you to know what this felt like.” Shuichi gave her a shy smile, and Kaede reached for him, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him close. “Akamatsu-san?”

“I’m sorry,” Kaede murmured, “you’re doing so much for us, and we’re were in our heads. What kind of idiot am I? I’m a terrible friend.”

“N-no, you’re not! You’re a wonderful friend.” Shuichi wrapped his arms around her and lightly squeezed her. She could feel him rub her back with soothing strokes and circles, trying to give her some semblance of comfort. Kaede’s eyes stung with hot tears. She closed her eyes, feeling them slip down her cheeks. She was going to get his shoulder wet and mess up his shirt. “You’re inspiring, Akamatsu-san. I...know how dark it can get. Sometimes you feel alone. Sometimes you feel like you’re a terrible person.” Kaede gripped on to him tighter, listening to him. He squeezed her back in response. “Sometimes, everything that makes you happy suddenly makes you sick to your stomach, and you can’t find a reason to smile anymore. It’s okay. You’ll find something else to take your mind off of it. Momota-chan got me and Harukawa-san to train with him, and maybe that’s not for you, but maybe you can find something new? Yumeno-san might be able to help. She, um, she’s gone through this too.”

“Yumeno-san?” Kaede’s voice cracked, “Is that why she’s tired all the time?”

“Yeah. Yumeno-san and Chabashira-san are trying to find ways for Yumeno-san to cope, but I think she already has her method. We just don't listen to her.” Shuichi pulled away and carefully wiped away the tear-streaks that were on Kaede’s cheeks. She leaned into his warm touch, feeling comforted by his actions. “If you still want to try to play the piano...maybe it’ll um...help if I’m here?” he shifted nervously in the seat, and Kaede laughed a little. “I mean, if you think it’ll help you play for an audience! I don’t mean, like, you need me to hold your hand or…” 

“I got it; I got it.” Kaede felt a little lighter. Her shoulders were less burdened than they had been before. She looked at the piano lid, and she thought about opening it. Maybe to attempt, but-“Maybe...maybe not now.”

“That’s fine,” Shuichi agreed, and sometimes Kaede had to laugh at how accepting he was about this. “Another time. Do you want to...do you want to go to the courtyard with me? We could walk around a little fresh air and, um, stuff.”

“And stuff.” Kaede teased. She watched his cheeks flush a deep crimson. He tried to look away from her, and she grinned. “Well, Saihara-kun, since you asked me so nicely, we could go around the courtyard. It’ll be nice to get some fresh air.” She grabbed his hand and intertwined their fingers together, and she watched the crimson turn more profoundly red. A nervous sweat dripped down his cheek. She could feel how his hand was starting to shake, and just as she thought about letting go and apologizing for being so bold, he gripped her hand tighter and more securely to him.

“Th-this is alright, right?” Shuichi stuttered.

“More than,” Kaede teased. “I’m the one that grabbed you first anyway.”

Shuichi ducked his head adorably away, and Kaede lightly bumps their shoulders together as they move to get off of the piano stool together, all the while not letting go of their hands. 


End file.
